Worst Blog Ever

Why is it that some of the most stupid things we've ever done seem to get etched into our minds? For the last little while, and for no apparent reason that I can think of, I have been reliving a painful day from my past. In many ways, it is a story of sadness. It is a story of caution for the next generation, and a story that will live on in the annals (giggle...annals) of history. This is the story of how I got wicked road rash on my ass.

It happened when I was about 10 or 12 years old, and the whole family was on a camping trip. While the rest of the family was sitting around the fire toasting inner tubes, chopping owls into kindling, and singing kumbaya, or whatever else one does while camping, I was taking my skateboard up to the top of a very large steep hill....you can see where this is going already can't you?

For those who are old enough to remember, back in the late seventies/early eighties, skateboards looked and behaved nothing like the current boards that kids ride today...at least not the ones that we could afford. The skateboards that I remember from that time were hard plastic decks set upon the old roller skates from the fifties, and were about 30 cm long and 2.5 cm wide. Oh, and every single one of them was yellow. It was like alternate colours didn't exist in the 80's or something. Every single person who owned a skateboard from that period, owned a yellow skateboard. Don't believe me kids? Check out your parent's old photos. Go ahead, I'll wait.... See!

Ok, back to the story. When we last left Leo, he was standing at the top of a very large, steep hill without the common sense that god would bestow on a dung beetle. I set the board on the road and got on. But being the chicken that I am, I decided to just go a few feet first; to see how fast I'd go. Turns out, within a few feet, you can go pretty frigging fast. So I jumped off the board and stutter stepped to a stop. Whew! No injuries, and I learned a powerful lesson. Unfortunately, the powerful lesson that I learned was that it would be much safer to ride the skateboard down the hill while sitting on it.

Now, you may remember that these old cheap skateboards were not much wider than the span of your palm, and even though I was still a child, I can assure you that my tiny ass was spilling over the sides of the board and found it hard to keep upright even before heading down the hill. Why I thought this would be safer, is something that will never be explained. But knowing that it would be safer, I pushed off and headed down the hill.

Now, as I was pretty young, I wasn't familiar with the physics behind calculating the speed of a skateboard going down a large, steep hill. But allow me to illuminate you with the formula: (Skateboard + Mass of idiot on top) * vertical drop of the sheer cliff being ridden on = Batshit fast! Einstein said it first.

At some point, while accelerating down the hill, I had a premonition that this was not going to end well. Call me crazy, but when a tween riding a skateboard manages to break the sound barrier, you can pretty much assume he's going to come to a sticky end. Speaking of end...now seems to be as good a time as any to discuss how I managed to loose control of the board and ass surf the asphalt (That's why it's called that!) for another 20 metres or so. Again, being a child at the time, but the physics equation would look something like this: Speed of the Concord * mass of child sliding down loose gravel = #*&)(*#@ *#* red butt cheeks.

After walking back, stiff legged, back to the campsite, I spent the next hour or so screaming in agony as my mom sprayed antiseptic spray onto the hamburger that use to be my ass.

Ahhhh....good times.