Worst Blog Ever

As I may have mentioned before, on Mondays I don't work.  Actually, it is more accurate to say that on Mondays I do house work.  I only work a four day work week, so I catch up on housework on Monday.  But in an effort to stay fit, I will walk into work with Kristie and then walk home.  T'he whole trip takes about 90 minutes there and back.  The walk itself isn't that strenuous, I mean it isn't like running an ultra-marathon or anything like that, but there are some large hills and I do work up a sweat.  Actually, I work up quite a large sweat.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not some out of shape wiener who gets winded by tying his shoes, but it is in my genetic make up that I sweat while doing strenuous activities.  I could be sitting in a puddle just trying to figure out how to solve a Rubic's cube for goodness sake.  Speaking of which...those people who can solve a Rubic's cube in less than 20 seconds....knock it off OK!  I can't even peal the stickers off that fast.

Anyway, on today's walk, I arrived at home as normal and the first thing I wanted to do was to get out of my sweaty clothes.  I had on a pair of nylon sweat pants, a t-shirt and a wind breaker, and I was soaked!  You know what I mean?  That kind of sweat that makes a t-shirt stick to your body like Spiderman's symbiotic costume (only comic book geeks will get this)?   So after I peeled off my shirt, ditched my sweat pants and then pealed off my underwear, to my utter shock and horror, I noticed that I was suffering from the most alarming case of shrinkage that ever befell a human being!

It was awful!  Look, if a 3 month old baby were to see my affliction, he'd be like:

"Dude!  You know there are surgical options for that now."

Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I'm anything special to begin with, but this was just ridiculous!  You know those letters to Penthouse?  (Ya, neither do I.)  But in those letters you've got guys saying stuff like:

"I don't want to brag, but at 11 inches, I'm no slouch..."

Look, I'd totally LOVE to brag, but unfortunately, I can't!  So when I say I was suffering, you have to believe me!

But here is the point to this whole story.  I was exercising!  I was sweating!  The caloric burning work that I was doing, caused me to sweat!  My body, noticing that I was generating heat, decided to take matters in its own hands and activated its defense systems, turning on the sprinkler system.  It was saying:

"Dude!  Chill!"

Apparently though, the human body doesn't seem to coordinate its functions very well.  T'he left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing, so to speak.  On one hand, you've got the body saying:

"Ok, we've noticed your getting quite warm...you're looking a little flush; we're just going to give you a spritzing of water to cool you down.  There, isn't that better?"

But on the other hand, you've got the nether regions, who apparently don't know the phone number to the brain, because they are like:

"HEY!!!  HEY!!!  It's bloody cold down here!  Turn up the frigging heat!!!"
"I don't think they can hear us...Every god damned Monday, its the same thing!!!"
"What are we going to do?"
"I can't take this shit anymore, I'm going inside!"
"Hey, what about me?  I can't fit with you guys in there; move over!"
"Forget it!  Just scrunch up as much as you can!"